But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist , to help us out with the details.
No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Q: This is a rather general question, but I was wondering if you could write about how men can be good sexual partners for women.
A: Thanks for your question! I love talking about the nitty-gritty, but I welcome the opportunity to talk about larger topics, too. Of course, I have to give the caveat that not all men approach sex the same way. That being said, there are some broad patterns I have noticed in my work with men who sleep with women. Here are eight ways for to be truly amazing in the sack.
Great lovers are made, not born! This is a point that I bring up time and time again. So many people expect sex to be effortless, but it rarely works that way in the real world. Just like any other skill, being good in bed takes time, practice, and education. There are so many topics to learn about, including sexual health, STI and pregnancy prevention, sexual technique, and communication.
Books are an easy way to jump-start your own sex ed. The Big Bang by Nerve is a great entry-level primer to all things sex. She Comes First by Ian Kerner is an incredible book about refining your oral sex technique. Check out some books about sex positions or female orgasm.
Solicit their feedback during and after your times together. Pay attention to how your partner responds nonverbally, too, and adjust your approach accordingly. Does your partner breathe more heavily when you use one particular stroke? Do they moan when you pick up the pace? Now I love that position, too! I work with a lot of men who expect their partner's sexuality to work the same way as theirs. For example, they may wonder why it takes their partner so long to get turned on , when they can be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. If you want to be a good partner, you should respect the fact that there are big differences in the ways people feel desire, get aroused, and experience pleasure.
Get to know what makes your partner tick. It should feel good to make another person feel good. Ask them how you can make the evening enjoyable for them.
Spend time focusing on just their body. Tell them how much it turns you on to hear their moans. Many women and nonbinary folks are sensitive to feeling pressured in the bedroom , but orgasm is impossible when it feels like an expectation. Your partner's pleasure should be important to you simply because you want them to feel good, not because you want to boost your ego. Open, honest communication is one of the pillars of fantastic sex.
You need to be able to tell your partner what your desires are, and to ask what theirs are. Talking about sex is hard for most people, but it gets a lot easier with practice. Check out this straightforward primer on developing your sexual communication skills. Women and nonbinary folks are expected to live up to the ridiculous standards perpetuated by the media.
Every single body part is nitpicked to death. All of this pressure we feel around our bodies affects our enjoyment of sex. I bring up this issue because being sensitive about this can help folks who didn't have this experience be better partners. You're not responsible for making your partner feel more self-confident, but you can help them feel more comfortable in the moment.
Tell your partner the specific things you love about their body. Compliment them during the most vulnerable moments, like when you're taking off their clothes or moving down between their legs. Let them know that the way they taste and smell turns you on.
This shaming is horrifyingly pervasive, and it has serious consequences. If you want someone to have sex with you, you have to make it safe for them to actually do so. Let women and nonbinary folks make their own decisions, and respect their choices.
The bottom line is this: We can all contribute to a healthier, happier, more sex-positive world by simply respecting each other. This piece was originally published on October 19, It was updated on June 24, This article was originally published on Oct. Educate Yourself Great lovers are made, not born!