A few days ago, my boyfriend said the most romantic thing to me: "Would you like me to download 'Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom'? Plus, I'm going to have therapy bills coming out the ass after watching Farrah What you're about to read is horrifying at best, and going to brutally end your desire to engage in any sort of physical intimacy at worst. Note that my two years as a "Teen Mom" recapper in no way prepared me for this waking nightmare. As we begin our journey together, just remember: This hurt me far, far worse than it's going to hurt you.
First, a compliment: Farrah has a pretty rockin' body. Seriously, if ever there was a reason to get pregnant as a teen, it's because of how magically elastic the body is at Still, she hasn't invested in brain implants, so her "acting" skills fall flatter than an A-cup. She repeatedly whines "baaaby! Oh, Farrah.
The man and his member have starred in 1, pornos: The jig is up. The only thing "intimate" about this "home video" is the fact that this time, mama left her real baby in the car while she "worked.
When we first see Farrah, she's on a couch it's nice, might be from CB2 delicately unstrapping her heels. Is Farrah her typical, annoying self, you ask? If you don't know what a Rainbow store is, just imagine an underpants set that looks like its dad didn't love it.
Their romp begins with Farrah taking a closer look at all the different items in James Deen's pants. Well, technically, it starts with Farrah saying "I think these buttons are going to take me forever," to which James Deen brilliantly replies, "Do you know how buttons work? His disinterest in her is palpable, and it's painfully obvious that his mind is telling him "no" Up to this point, Farrah has allowed her heart to be her guide -- and now, it's invited her mouth to take the lead.
James Deen seems to enjoy his no-arms hug, though since we haven't seen his face yet, I can't properly gauge his emotional state beyond "still there. What follows is potentially too graphic for me to write, but let's just say that James Deen must be a Robert Frost fan, 'cause when he sees two roads diverged in a yellow wood, he takes the one less traveled.
The most amusing part about all this is that the clock on the TV reads " 11" p. A few minutes later, the most depraved, unthinkable thing happens: They kiss for the first time. Welp, I'm infertile now. Next, because they probably want to stare into each other's empty eyes, they decide to continue their escapades standing up -- and they're eying a nearby wall. The wall starts to scream, but nobody can hear it.
The bed has gone into a state of post-traumatic shock. The couch is quietly weeping, cursing the furniture gods for not making it an ottoman. The road to hell is paved with this sex tape. We're about 23 minutes in and I'm starting to get incredibly nauseous. The worst part, though, is that I had a burrito right before this, and I'm definitely never going to be able to have another, especially because Farrah's just ensured that I never ingest any liquid again, either. Mom, if you're reading this, please go back to playing Candy Crush.
Now at this point, there's nothing new to see -- but there's plenty I'll be trying to un-hear, potentially with the help of a lobotomy, or a hypnotherapist. Let's just say that although Farrah told TMZ "his penis is small," she's spent the past 30 minutes shouting otherwise. To be honest, her dirty talk vocabulary needs some work, though I do applaud her for finding so many different combinations for the same two words. Now we're a half hour in, and like a quality journalist, Farrah's really staying true to the theme of this porn.
After some mumbled pillow talk, James Deen begrudgingly submits to Farrah's wanton desires for more smooching. As Farrah climbs under the covers at p. After all, he did graduate from med school Suma Cum on a "Teen Mom. Then, after what must have been hours and hours of hell that makes Guantanamo Bay look like Six Flags, it's finally over in an explosion of everything except emotion or passion.
James Deen's parting gift to Farrah isn't something you can buy in stores, and it will most likely require a visit to the ophthalmologist, but she doesn't seem to mind. After all, what's that famous saying? Eye irritation and monstrous hemerhoids come and go Note for hardcore Farrah fans: There are actually two more parts to this sex tape that I have chosen, for my sanity, not to review. There's a shower scene where she gives a loofah an STD, and a limo ride in which she does NOT wear a seat belt, saucy little minx.
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