At Aftershocks we have an awfully high tolerance for trash. Normally, the quips write themselves. But after some of the weirdest, worst, most maddening and most mortifying mess on television, we both needed a cigarette, and only one of us smokes. Life in Franklin Lakes begins in relatively familiar territory, as Melissa and Teresa continue their much-anticipated sit-down to end the family feud that has fractured the Gorgas and the Giudices all season.
Predictably enough, each insists on the value of family and the need to make up. In their competing video diaries, however, each continues to bitterly blame the other. As Teresa tries to paint her husband Joe as a neutral party, she raises the issue of an apparently unpaid plumbing bill that her brother Joe owes a contractor.
As Jacqueline and Chris prepare, it becomes clear what this weekend will be about. They load large plastic tubs with bottle after bottle of wine. Some of the bottles are so heavy that Jacqueline can barely lift them. Naturally, Chris heads to the family gun safe for his vacation fire arms. Jacqueline gasps as he reaches for rifle after rifle. Of course being shot by New Jersey yahoos, stuffed and stacked on a shelf is nothing compared to what these animals had to witness in the cabin. If only their eyes had been sewn shut!
We were wrong. Teresa, Jacqueline, their husbands and the Giudice extended family down bottle after bottle of homemade wine. Soon the conversation turns to — what else? Joe and Chris like to compare notes about how a Real Housewife performs in bed. Jacqueline, apparently, is quite famous for her fellatio while Teresa barely gets a passing grade. Then the men discuss the pleasures of dirty talk. The sun rises on Joe and Teresa in their nuptial bower. Joe wears long underwear, his lumpy ass bulging beneath the over-stretched white fabric.
But nothing prepared us for the atrocious pageant that was about to unfold at the Fred Astaire Franchised Dance Studio , somewhere in the vicinity of Franklin Lakes. Oh, we were with him on that account. Joe Gorga covers his ears to the pulse.
The show begins with two lower-echelon gays in white pajamas and bare feet promenading center stage with black and white feather fans. They have trouble lifting her, and then the camera pans to Melissa, her jaw dropped, looking at the rest of the family for their reaction. Next, another pair of dancers, who seem to be living in their own private Mummenschanz, twirl so that the black-and-white strips of fabric covering their hooded unitards fly out, creating what they must have hoped would be a dazzling spectacle.
This is when we wondered if someone had snuck peyote into the veggie burgers we enjoyed at dinner. An elderly woman in a flapper outfit appeared. It was all going by so fast! And then the magic moment arrived. Similar, that is, if you rearranged a few of the notes and played it on an electric keyboard.
A 6-foot-tall man does a brief solo mimicking a sailor on deck, and then little Antonia runs up behind him and they twirl and twirl. And twirl. And then they twirl some more. He lifts her onto his shoulders, and then finishes with a promenade in which she holds her bent leg as high as she can reach. As the weekend winds up in the Catskills, Teresa takes her guests to see the family chapel of St. Michael the Archangel.
We suppose she wanted a little absolution after all the swearing, drinking, sex and wanton destruction of nature the family had enjoyed that weekend. For once we found ourselves agreeing with Franklin Lakes' most sensible hausfrau. What's Eric Eating Episode By CultureMap Staff. Montrose bistro may shutter. By Eric Sandler. Comfort food in memorial. RodeoHouston By Steven Devadanam. By Craig D.
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